Monday, November 11, 2013

Feelings and Goals

The Celebration of Life is over, Joe has gone back to work after being off two weeks, the kids have gone back to their respective homes, and it's very, very quiet here at home. I find myself going from chore to chore, with no particular plan.Start the laundry, take things into the bedroom, work a bit in there, come back to vacuum the dining/living room, get side tracked, go to the kitchen. I feel like I'm going in circles, accomplishing nothing.  The other night, I was sitting on the couch, working on my lap top when with out thinking, I sat it on the coffee table and started to get up and go check on Viola.............Joe was out front weeding the flower beds Friday morning, and for a moment he said he thought he should come in an check on her. 
When I sit down for a few moments I find myself nodding off. It feels like I just can't get enough sleep. I'm ready for bed at 8:00- 8:30 in the evenings, but if I do go to bed at that time I'll sleep for a couple of hours and then be a wake for a long time before getting back to sleep and 6:30AM comes early in the morning. 
 There is a emptiness right now. We aren't necessarily grieving for her, but she came to live with us when we had only been married 22 months and now she's gone. I'm thinking it's going to take more than a few days to establish a new routine. One that only involves Joe and I. So I've decided, for a while anyway, if the house work gets done that's great, if it doesn't it will be there waiting for me the next day.  I felt bad that Joe had to come home tonight with breakfast dishes still in the sink, the laundry not done nor the vacuuming either. The only reason the bed was made is because he has made that his "job" ever since we were married.

Well on to my last topic.  I go for lab work every three months to check my a1c, cholesterol and liver enzyme levels. My Dr. felt if I would loose a certain amount, I would see a big difference in those levels. When I told him I thought I could do that but I needed to wait until after  what ever special events that were coming up soon, (that was back on August 8th to far back for me to remember) he looked at me  and promptly said "Betty you are a high risk for failure". You will always find an excuse to not start eating right.  I thought about that for a moment and it triggered something out of my past, a time when I had very low self esteem.  I bid him goodbye and I'm happy to announce that I lost those extra pounds plus!!!! Part of it was probably due to the stress of caring for Viola after her fall, and subsequent  multiple health issues and caring for her here at home with hospice help during her last days.  But I was also very careful about what I ate and didn't eat.  So I'm looking forward to November 27th, my next Dr. visit to hear what he has to say now.

 I would like to end my post this evening with this scripture which I have hidden in my heart so when I was so tired I could hardly get one foot in front of the other, I would be reminded of it and be encouraged. 
 "The LORD is my strength and my shield; My heart trusts in Him, and I am helped; Therefore my heart exults, And with my song I shall thank Him".