Monday, November 11, 2013

Feelings and Goals

The Celebration of Life is over, Joe has gone back to work after being off two weeks, the kids have gone back to their respective homes, and it's very, very quiet here at home. I find myself going from chore to chore, with no particular plan.Start the laundry, take things into the bedroom, work a bit in there, come back to vacuum the dining/living room, get side tracked, go to the kitchen. I feel like I'm going in circles, accomplishing nothing.  The other night, I was sitting on the couch, working on my lap top when with out thinking, I sat it on the coffee table and started to get up and go check on Viola.............Joe was out front weeding the flower beds Friday morning, and for a moment he said he thought he should come in an check on her. 
When I sit down for a few moments I find myself nodding off. It feels like I just can't get enough sleep. I'm ready for bed at 8:00- 8:30 in the evenings, but if I do go to bed at that time I'll sleep for a couple of hours and then be a wake for a long time before getting back to sleep and 6:30AM comes early in the morning. 
 There is a emptiness right now. We aren't necessarily grieving for her, but she came to live with us when we had only been married 22 months and now she's gone. I'm thinking it's going to take more than a few days to establish a new routine. One that only involves Joe and I. So I've decided, for a while anyway, if the house work gets done that's great, if it doesn't it will be there waiting for me the next day.  I felt bad that Joe had to come home tonight with breakfast dishes still in the sink, the laundry not done nor the vacuuming either. The only reason the bed was made is because he has made that his "job" ever since we were married.

Well on to my last topic.  I go for lab work every three months to check my a1c, cholesterol and liver enzyme levels. My Dr. felt if I would loose a certain amount, I would see a big difference in those levels. When I told him I thought I could do that but I needed to wait until after  what ever special events that were coming up soon, (that was back on August 8th to far back for me to remember) he looked at me  and promptly said "Betty you are a high risk for failure". You will always find an excuse to not start eating right.  I thought about that for a moment and it triggered something out of my past, a time when I had very low self esteem.  I bid him goodbye and I'm happy to announce that I lost those extra pounds plus!!!! Part of it was probably due to the stress of caring for Viola after her fall, and subsequent  multiple health issues and caring for her here at home with hospice help during her last days.  But I was also very careful about what I ate and didn't eat.  So I'm looking forward to November 27th, my next Dr. visit to hear what he has to say now.

 I would like to end my post this evening with this scripture which I have hidden in my heart so when I was so tired I could hardly get one foot in front of the other, I would be reminded of it and be encouraged. 
 "The LORD is my strength and my shield; My heart trusts in Him, and I am helped; Therefore my heart exults, And with my song I shall thank Him".

11 comments:

  1. Give yourself time to adjust Betty. Even though caring for Viola was hard and time consuming, it gave you a purpose and direction for the day. Her absence will leave a big hole. You will adjust, but it will take time. Make YOU a priority right now, and your marriage. It's almost like you and Joe are starting a new life together. Enjoy every minute.

    Good for you on paying attention to your health. I bet you will have a great check-up.

    ReplyDelete
  2. You look great Betty. Congratulations on meeting/ exceeding your goal! Can't wait to hear what the doctor says in a couple of weeks! Joe lost 25 pounds and 3 inches. His doctor was so excited!

    I so relate to the feelings of " what do I do now?" I don't really have any words of wisdom. We each have to find our place. For us, enjoying this beautiful land we call our home has been the happiest times of our lives. God is good and he will show you your path.

    ReplyDelete
  3. I write with tears in my eyes. I had the exact same feelings you are having when my mother passed away suddenly. No matter how many people told me that time is the best healer. I just couldn't believe them. BUT...with God and time healing does take place. Your memories will never fade but the pain of loss will! Praying for comfort for you and Joe.

    Wonderful news about your weight. Not too often do any of us look forward to seeing the doctor.

    ReplyDelete
  4. First of all, thank you for the kind offer to pick me up at the airport in Portland. That was terribly sweet but my son-in-law will be there and waiting.

    Secondly, change in routine is difficult regardless of the reason for it. It's especially difficult when we lose a loved one. Things will get easier. Honest. Our prayers are going out to you.

    ReplyDelete
  5. I'm sure it will take you a while to create a new life for yourselves but being a caregiver not even 2 years into your marriage was quite a challenge. Sleep as much as you want to catch up on those nights caring for Viola. Congratulations on the weight loss. Your doctor is going to be really impressed.

    ReplyDelete
  6. HI Betty: I read this post on my iPhone late last night and waited to comment 'til this morning. You and Joe are in my thoughts and prayers. I know it was Viola's time but that doesn't mean that you don't have lots of adjustments and feelings of "What do I do now?"
    Relax and give yourselves a break. Nothing around the house must be done right now; you now have plenty of time to do things when you're ready. You're at the mercy of your own clock now. Soon, Joe will be with you every day - the two of you can map out some plans and adventures to look forward to. You are such a wonderful and caring person; I think you find it difficult to just have you and Joe to consider - enjoy. Peace and love to you both .... Your almost old friend, mp

    ReplyDelete
  7. It is okay to feel lost and without purpose at this time. Even thought it was a blessing for Viola that doesn't make it any easier for those of us left behind. I know Joe doesn't expect you to have the dishes done or anything else. He just wants to come home to you.

    ReplyDelete
  8. I'm sure there is a big hole in your life right now. Time will take care of that, soon you will fall into a regular routine. I'm betting you will have a great check-up!

    ReplyDelete
  9. Looking good, Betty and even better, it sounds like you are feeling well! It would probably be strange if you weren't a bit lost for a while as you adjust to this new phase of life. That's a great Bible verse!

    ReplyDelete
  10. Good for you on staying 'on plan' despite the stress. Losing a loved one is always difficult and especially since Viola was such a big part of your everyday life. Love the bible verse, be patient with your grieving process and take good care.

    ReplyDelete
  11. Good for you on staying 'on plan' despite the stress. Losing a loved one is always difficult and especially since Viola was such a big part of your everyday life. Love the bible verse, be patient with your grieving process and take good care.

    ReplyDelete